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Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.
–Fyodor Dostoyevsky (via meinfocus)
how fitting
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wondering recently how i never realized how much of a slut i have been
hooking up with half of my city in rapid succession
the most disgusting part is that i have had very little self awareness about this habit of mine
it’s really obvious how much i have screwed up and screwed around when i can’t go anywhere because i know i have fucked and fucked over so many people that i feel like i am bound to be hated or hated on where ever i go. not that anyone ever says anything but i now know well what i have done
is it the full posession and expression of my sexuality or is it just being emotionally wounded and emotionally wounding
in the past few days i have taken notice of 4 relationships that i have fucked up (probably alone) which severely limit my ability to leave the house and feel okay with myself.
2 of them ex boyfriends, 1 of them an ex best friend, and the last an ex best, kind of ex boyfriend… all of which never wish to see me again
good job chelsea
good fucking job
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Spirit has plans for me
Big Ones, Spirit also things I should stay in Reno for the summer so that’s what I am going to do.
And I wonder, what is in store for me here?
There is a beautiful lake here, and trees, and ichthysaur fossils, and even fire opal not to far away.
I suppose I have to get to know a place before I run away from it.
Time to plan
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Gratitude
I can still feel your pulse, Magnet. I can still feel your heart, your hurt too, Magnet. I wish I could still feel the heat of the other half of my charge.
In the past 3 days I have been fired by a Coffee Shop and been asked to leave a home stead.
I have more Faith than I had ever known before.
Coffee Shop hired and fired me Just Like That. I had plans to leave in a few months, which I thought I communicated to them though I have been having glitches in reality recently so who knows, and they knew that if that was the case then their newly trained Barista would be leaving right in the heat of summer money making traffic. They didn’t give me my tips because I was ‘on training’, which is some money making bullshit cuz I did way more than my fair share of dishes… So Faith tester number 1
Homesteaders consist of 1 Woman 1 Man a 10 day old baby and 2 Grandmothers and one 23 year boy of an intern. (yes, still in boy age)
I felt like he was a seagull pecking at my open shell. It felt like Every action and word was a put-down.. it was a lot of bullshit. So I was food stressed and after him trying to steal all of the asparagus out of a communally dinnerish pot, where I put in all the asparagus from my penny aching pockets, I was just plain shown what an ass he was. And I told him and then ingnored him while he attempts to bring me down to the level that his poor mother was at while he was there listening to his dad treat her like some 50s house wife piece of shit meat (probably). Continue silent treatment. So Chelsea’s a little food stressed and the avacado I thought I put in the fridge is actually not there so naturally I look for the blamee and there he was. Scott the Avacado stealer. Well I found where I actually did put the avacado after I YELLED at him and he called me psycho and told the guy who owns this dairy, egg, chicken, duck, and pig farm. What an ass hole. I’m just trying to blame you here scott but seriously if you think sarcasm, digs, and plain old rudeness along with plain old insults to my character is the way to a womans heart, YOU are the one who needs to grow up. And here’s my justification.. At least I know I am emotionally unstable and need to grow up. SO fuck you. Faith tester number 2.
drum roll please, heres the reminder of Godliness on Earth.
I left the Rogue Valley Brambles feeling very unwelcome and now I am at the Jackson Wellsprings where I feel plain old uncomfortable… Sitting here thinking about going home to cry to my mommy and cuddle with something other than a cat. By something I mean you Koberstein, whom I can never begin to explain and who is the first person who I cannot in any human language explain my feelings for. I have been trying to get in contact with a lovely woman who I met here and feel deeply connected to AND she just happens to be dating the most widely known seeds man on the west coast (probably) who also does wwoofing. so shes there and im here and my phone doesnt work cuz cricket doesn’t have service here. Some woman also trying to get in contact with Bequin (lovely woman) calls this place (PERFECT TIMING) called the jackson wellsprings and the front desk woman brings the phone to me cuz she knows we’re canoodling soul sisters from different generations.
So I tell this woman how I don’t know whether to keep moving on in the direction of those tall tall wise trees that have been calling my name and in the direction of the coast because im turning into more of an ocean every day and i need to be near the roar of that big blue unbridled ever changing calm and subtle or raging and scary body of water called the pacific…. or go home feeling resignated to the dust and the heat of that desert that i do still call home (and for a good reason). feeling resignated and ashamed of not being all that i want to be in a matter of months and feeling like i have given up on my big dreams.
anyway, she says something that lets me see that home is in the direction of fear and of failure and of fear of failure, and the tress and the food growing and the ocean is in the direction of love and my big dreams.
and as i do my rereading and proof reading i get The Chills, further affirming the direction I will continue going. Even if I have a hundred dollars to get there from working at that coffee shop for a week. And I should be glad, and I am Glad that i have that and all the synchronicity of this incredible beautiful place called Earth which is actually Heaven if we have the eyes to see it. and I hope we do. And there is another big dream. so see and always see and to help others to see and to be reminded with every breath to be in gratitude for it.
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and having a love affair in my mind quite often
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working on a dairy, chicken, egg, pig farm
and eating sooooo much dairy!
today I’m listening to lots of love songs at the coffeeshop i work at that’s only a mile away from the farm.
so much raw milk! looking up milk recipes
cheese, soap, egg nog
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“Welcome Beauty, Banish Fear,
You are Queen and Mistress Here:
Speak your Wishes, Speak your Will,
Swift obediance meets them still.”
-The Brothers Grimm, Beauty and The Beast
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Ani DiFranco “Shroud”
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“if you leave it alone it might just happen”
“it’s not up to you, it never was”
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I am still every age that I have been. Because I was once a child, I am always a child. Because I was once a searching adolescent, given to moods and ecstasies, these are still part of me, and always will be. This does not mean that I ought to be trapped or enclosed in any of these ages. The delayed adolescent, the childish adult, but that they are in me to be drawn on; to forget is a form of suicide. Far too many people misunderstand what putting away childish things means, and think that forgetting what it is like to think and feel and touch and smell and taste and see and hear like a three-year-old or a thirteen-year-old or a twenty-three-year-old means being grownup. When I’m with these people I, like the kids, feel that if this is what it means to be a grown-up, then I don’t ever want to be one. Instead of which, if I can retain a child’s awareness and joy, and be fifty-one, then I will really learn what it means to be grownup.
– Madeleine L’Engle(via francescamoon)
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have you ever asked yourself..
what kind of medicine do i need today?
turning our habits, food, and interactions into “medicine” makes it easier to know what we don’t need, what we need more of, and what we need to find in order to help and heal ourselves.
being angry was my medicine last night.
personally this new way of thinking about action makes it easier for me to make decisions.
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moon number 2 since being away from home
hunkering down with bjork and my new coffee and chocolate habit
i have a greater appreciation for the things and people i love and a deeper understanding for those things that i wanted to leave behind
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“the tree of life is innocent”
-said the tall redwood standing next to me
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(via francescamoon)
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To be beautiful means to be yourself.
– Thich Nhat Hanh
You don’t need to be accepted by others.
You need to accept yourself.(via francescamoon)
